I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
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Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
Meow
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango