Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
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Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.