Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
You Might Also Like
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
Oh yeh? Explain this then
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”