[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
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STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
necessity is the mother of invention
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you