🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
You Might Also Like
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.