How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
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Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
Doctors texting each other.
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.