Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
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My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
I am patiently waiting for your email
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box