“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
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If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
they really do be looking like this
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
Is fake venison called venisn’t
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
The first matador
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.