Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
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DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
I’d … I’d rather not.
When you let grandma cat sit
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.