I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
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[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
I created you as mosquito food.
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!