Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
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Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised