An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
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me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.