ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
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The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.