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Beware of fowl play.
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
🙂🐾
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
My goal weight is getting a magician to saw me in half.
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical