Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
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7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch