how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
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me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.