just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
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Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
Pass gas, not judgment.
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
When someone asks me why I’m in a wheelchair, I want to say something ridiculous like, “I’m not standing up until my grandson gets a Golden Ticket to Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory.”
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.