my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
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[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
I set out a suitcase to pack for my flight later today and spotted my 3 year old crawling inside it to hide. I casually zipped it up, yelled “I’M OFF TO THE AIRPORT, EVERYBODY!”, and carried it to the car. I’ve circled the block twice and my luggage hasn’t stopped laughing.
adding to the discourse
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary