‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
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Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.