Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
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HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
Lassie, get help!
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
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! ! ! !
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
[text from wife]
I want a divorceMe: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!![…typing]
Haha, April fools
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
How does one answer this?
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.