emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
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How did people charge their phones before electricity?
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
Fat chances are my favorite chances
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
He’s cranky this morning
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.