NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
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DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
As someone who lost his pet worm at a RFK Jr event last year this is the worst day of my life
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy