My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
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Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
Snapes on a plane.
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
My life coach traded me.
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.