Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
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The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
when u come home smelling like another dog
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
My kid: you took my KitKat, didn’t you?
Me:
Me: I am shocked!
My kid: are you shocked because you took my KitKat or are you shocked because I could figure it out?
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed