If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
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I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
wishing you and yours all the best