College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
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Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?