How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
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The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
I’m already scared
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?