Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
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“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.