Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
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Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
Best spoiler warning ever
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
The honesty is refreshing
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”