ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
You Might Also Like
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan