I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
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Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
😂😂