Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
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gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
Unimpressed
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.