I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
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Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.