My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
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I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
There is wisdom there.
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
felt cute might bury dad later idk
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.