wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
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Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
New menu item
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
*checks Timeline*…
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.