I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
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Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.