First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
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The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
Her: “chicks dig scars”
Wolverine: “damn it”
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when