HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
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Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
estão todos miauvindo?
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk