My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
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Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident