[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
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I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
You learn something every day
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire