HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
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Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
Shower sex be like:
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
when revenge coincides with naptime
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
Cool shirt 🙂
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.