Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
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I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
I am yelling
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.