I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
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Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
My work here is don’t.
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”