“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
You Might Also Like
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
Florida be like…
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too