how to have fun when you’re poor
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I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”