HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
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me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds