What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
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With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
😏😏😏
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —