Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
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If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
Trumpy Cat
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone