i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
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Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
Ah..makes sense now
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!