[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
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[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
Me: how are you
Friday: good
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.